I Quit

Last August, I quit going to church.

I didn't mean to, it just happened.

We had started driving into Athens everyday for work and I needed a break from the drive.  I needed some quiet time.  I needed time for myself.

That, and Chris was teaching a Sunday School class which meant that he and the children would be leaving the house even earlier...meaning I would have to leave even earlier to ride with them and then not having anything to do for an hour before service...or, we would have to take two cars.  I didn't want to do that because one thing that I liked about going to church was that it gave Chris and I time to talk on the ride in.

So, I didn't go for a few weeks.  And then a few weeks became a few more weeks.

I went to the Homecoming service.  Chris and the kids went early.  I was bringing the fumi salad that Chris had made the night before to have at the Homecoming Fellowship meal.  I cried almost the whole drive in to town.  I realized just how loooooooong the drive was from my house to church and that my school was even further than that...and I was making the girls make that ride with me every.single.day.  I was waking my children up before six a.m. to make this long, long drive.  And it killed me.  So I cried on my way to church.

I got there just before 11am and the parking lot was full of cars but there was not a soul in sight.  No one milling around on the front steps or sidewalk like there usually is before the service.  No one.

I took the enormous bowl of salad down to the kitchen to refrigerate it before lunch.  Only the doors were locked.

I marched back upstairs through the education building and there was no one.  Empty.

And then I got to the sanctuary.  It was a packed house.  The choir was in full swing.  And everyone with a key to the fellowship hall kitchen was in that room.  I was stuck with the salad. 

I went back downstairs to double check the door.  Still locked.  I ran into a friend.  She told me that for Homecoming the service started fifteen minutes early.  Chris had forgotten to tell me that, and I had failed to remember it from previous years.

Now, this friend was not someone that I knew very well, but apparently well enough for me to have a melt down in front of.  So that's what I did.

And then we left our salads in a room downstairs and headed back up.  She sat with her family and well, since Chris was in the choir loft and my children were scattered about with their friends, I sat by myself and chewed the inside of my cheek to keep from sobbing in the middle of everything.

Immediately after the service I left.  I avoided making eye contact with anyone and was able to make it out without having to say anything to anyone.

So that was that.  A failed attempt.

I did not go back again until Christmas Eve.  Quinn couldn't handle himself and Chris spent the service in the nursery with him...which is what I did the previous year.  Why we keep doing this to ourselves is beyond me.  It would really have just been better for one of us to stay home with him.  But we're (apparently) gluttons and we tried again and it was a miserable experience.

So that was that.  Another failed attempt.

And now I can't get over it.  I can't make myself get past it.  I just can't.  I tried a few weeks ago and I had such a feeling of dread and anxiety that I couldn't go in for the service.  Seriously.  I got dressed for church.  I drove into town for church.  I dropped my family off for Sunday School and then I couldn't go in.

I consider myself a Christian.  I talk to Him everyday in the quiet of my car on my way to work, in the moments before putting my feet on the floor in the morning and in the moments before I drift off to sleep every night.  I try to behave like a Christian, in a loving, forgiving, kind, nonjudgmental way.

But I've quit going to church.  And that doesn't feel very Christian-y.

Hoops and Soul Restoration

New hoop earrings...I am in love...just so you know.

{Blue Sky Hoops, Raw Copper and Gold Hoops, Cloud 9 Hoops}

I did actually go to church this morning (instead of the bead show).  And I am very glad that I did.  Our usual pastor - Pastor Lisa - was visiting another church this morning, so a former Pastor - Pastor Ted - was asked to take over for the day.  I greatly enjoyed his sermon this morning on the 23rd Psalm...

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake...

 ...specifically it was on God restoring souls.  The whole sermon was wonderful, but this one part spoke to me so loudly that I had to pull out a pen and scribble it on my bulletin.  I will make myself remember this on days when I feel lousy about myself...

"You are of infinite worth to God.  God is not going to throw you out." - Pastor Ted Staton

Perhaps you would like to use that one on your lousy days too.

We're Celebrating It.

My Athens Bestie, Frankie (you may have heard me talk about her a time or two, this is what you might remember about her), and I had a terrific night out last night. We joined the majority of our church congregation at Cine' in downtown Athens to listen to the skillful drummer, Arvin Scott, at his benefit concert for the Kenya Project (members of our church are heading to Kenya on a mission trip later this week). I certainly believe that a great time was had by all. A great time was especially had by Frankie and I because with 7 children between the 2 of us, we were child free.

After the concert we walked to Transmet for dinner. If you haven't been there 1. You should go and 2. You have to stand in line and order at the cash register at the counter. So, we stood in line and then we ordered at the counter. It was a young (because I am so old) college age kid (and I can talk about college age kids...the ones in college now? Yeah, I taught them.) was waiting to take our order. I announced to him, "We're together," implying that we should be on the same ticket...only he just stared at me, like he didn't know what to make of that statement. And because he was just staring at me, Frankie interjected, "And we're celebrating that." It actually took the guy about 30 seconds to catch up with his and then he gave us a crooked grin and shook his head.

And that is the end of my story.

And in case you were wondering, we had the mozzarella caprese and the pesto vegetarian pizza with artichokes added. It was delightful. :)

Fabulous New Things and A Wonderful Morning

A little zebra print, anyone? {$26}

Charmingly Bright No.826 {$26} Ok, maybe its not quite No.826, but sometimes to feels that way. But they are my favorite item to make - I love picking out all of the different colored stones.

Super Long Magnificent Earrings {$12}

If all goes well, these items (along with a few more) will be posted in the shop sometime this evening. I cannot tell you a time because Quinn is running wide open today. I've been working on this post now for well over an hour.

And now on to my completely wonderful morning... On the other side of the world (ok, it was the other side of Athens...but it did take me 56 minutes to get there) we celebrated the upcoming birth of my new niece at Emily's baby shower, hosted by the wonderful Mrs. Maxine. Delicious food, fantastic company, and Em got a ton of great gifts for Baby X. (They still haven't decided on a name. I think they should go with Coco...I mean if your last name rhymes with Chanel, like theirs does, how could you pass this up???) We have an outstanding UMW group at our church and several of the ladies were there this morning, including Mrs. Maxine (which would just be silly if she wasn't there since it was her house) and Pastor Lisa. Next weekend they will be leaving to go on a two week long mission trip to Kenya. Everyone is very excited about this, and so when the conversation turned to their Kenya preparations, Maxine jumped at the chance to show off some of her new purchases for the trip...including a large backpack, safari type hat and rubbers to wear over her shoes. She even tried them on and gave us a little fashion show.

I was hysterical with laughter and then Maxine's daughter turned to me and said, "You're going to blog about this later, huh?" And through my tears I nodded my head, "Yes. Yes, I am."

Pastor Lisa then helped me out by snapping some pictures to add to my post. Maxine adamantly told me that "she was not going to end up on the internet." But Pastor Lisa told me it was ok. And she is the pastor. And she is the one who is traveling with Mrs. Maxine for two weeks, not me, so I figured I have the proper permission. Shortly after I came home from the shower, Pastor Lisa emailed me the pictures with the subject line, "For the Blog!" Enjoy!

Children's Church? Yep, We Rocked It.

I must admit, I am very cautious about this whole church thing. It is something that I feel very unsure of myself about. Not about my faith or my beliefs, or what I want to instill in my own children, but the whole business of church. My parents did a great job of raising me with morals and having a faith in God, etc. etc. They also let me explore various religions and go to different churches with my friends, which has helped me be able to make decisions about what I like and don't like in churches, because I've seen a lot of them. But I never really felt part of a church family. (We did attend a church fairly regularly when I was a teen, but really, I didn't go for God, or to be part of a church family, at that point in my life. I went there for the youth trips. Where else can you go skiing with 35 other kids your age?)

So when I am approached at church or announcements are made about needing Sunday School teachers, Youth Group leaders and various committee members, I often find myself very immersed in reading the bulletin and avoiding eye contact with anyone. The thought of these things make me very nervous. I mean, what if I volunteer to teach Sunday School and I screw it all up and then those children are scarred for life? Or I give them false information and then they find out as an adult that what they believed all their lives was just a lie that their childhood Sunday School teacher told them (unknowingly, of course)? Do these other parents really trust me to help with the religious upbringing of their children? Let's just be honest, I haven't always set forth such a great religious example. Its not the teaching part that bothers me, I do have 3 degrees in Education and have spent the last 10 years of my life working with children...its the bible party. And here's a prime example...up until last summer, I thought that Joseph of Joseph and Mary and Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat were one in the same. I had no idea there were multiple Josephs in the bible. Aside from "Jesus Loves Me", I don't know any other children's church songs. Chris is always singing about some Wee Little Man...um, yeah, I have no idea who he's talking about.

BUT, I do want my children to be a part of these things. I expect them to go to Acolyte training and Sunday School and Children's Church and VBS. But I can't expect that the other parents are going to pull their weight and mine any more. We've been going there regularly for a year now and its time for me to put my big girl panties on and step up to the plate.

So this morning, Chris and I led Children's Church. And, if I do say so myself, it went fantastically! And I am very excited about it! And I would love for Chris and I to be able to do more for this program. And that, my friends, is a good feeling. So, Children's Church? Yep, we rocked it!

p.s. - I do know that it is Joseph and the Coat of Many Colors, I just like calling it the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat. It sounds so sassy that way. I have also stopped calling the bulletin "the program". I believe that's progress.

All Is Well

All is well. It is true. I have a list of things to worry about, but at the end of the day, all that matters is that really and truly, all is well.

We went to church this morning and I realized as I sat there, looking around me, that when tragedy (of one kind or another) strikes me or my family (because all families face some kind of tragedy at one time or another), I know that these will be the people that I will be able to turn to and lean on. Even looking at the empty space where certain families were missing today, I counted them on my list. I watched the girls sing with the children's choir, surrounded by their little friends, and realized that the mothers of these children know where I am in my life and understand because they are there too. I know that this sounds like a no brainer, but really, it consumed my thoughts as we sat together in worship. We have been regularly attending our church for almost 7 months now and I had yet to have this feeling. But I had it today and I don't think that it is one that will pass. I am grateful for their friendship, for our shared faith, for the strength and comfort that I find sitting next to my dear mother-in-law more Sundays than not. And again, all is well.

We came home, fixed lunch for the kids and then I hit the gym. The first person I saw when I walked in was the husband of one of my best friends. He and his wife helped me through some of the most trying times in my life and I was genuinely glad to see him. We talked while we walked on our neighboring treadmills then his wife and daughter met him up there. We had our normal, catching up, conversation...again, it hit me, all is well.

After the gym I did our grocery shopping for the week. I stocked up on our usual veggies and even threw in some fruits for good measure. Peaches. I do like a sliced peach. Perhaps I will eat them (with some whipped cream, of course. What do you think? That I was seriously going to make the jump from potato chips to fruit without a step in between???) tonight instead of my chips. Chips were even buy one get one free and I walked right passed them. At that point I figured I need to hurry on home....Chris was probably thinking that I was running away.

Q was down for a nap. I ate my salad and read a little and now this. No matter the worries, fears or anxieties that I have in my life, I know this one thing to be true....all is well.

***note - this statement can also be found on a most delightful necklace here.