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Sunday, January 1, 2012

Coming to terms

I have thought about this post for a long time.  I write the first sentence or few (in my head) and then I crumple it up (in my head) and start again (in my head).  Some days I rewrite it (in my head) multiple times over.  Some days, I get up from the vintage desk that I sit at in front of the window that overlooks a lake (in my head) and walk away (in my head).

But here it is.

The things that weigh me down.

{You can read or you can not read.  I am not whining.  I know what a great  life that I have.  It is just how I feel.  Period.}

1.  I reread my New Year's Resolution posts from the past two years and the top thing on both lists was being fit/becoming healthy.  I think this year I hit rock bottom.  And it has made me sad.  Very sad.  In January, I was a size 2, as I have been for the vast majority of my life.  Now granted, that size 2 was not a very healthy size 2, but whatever.  I have gained between 20 and 30 pounds this year.  In rereading blog posts this year, I started talking about it in February when I had gained ten pounds in 8 weeks.  Sheesh.  And sadly, I decided in July that this was a problem and went about my business to fix it.  Only I couldn't.  I didn't.  And then I spent the past six weeks drinking spiked eggnogs and eating chocolate chex mix.  No joke.  I tried to eat healthy/portion control/exercise and I sucked at it.  It became one more thing for me to beat myself up about and then I was failing miserably at it and then I was upset about it and so I would drink another and eat some more.  And then I would go to bed.  To the point where now my pants don't fit.  Like, the new pants that I bought in July to replace the pants that I bought in March, don't fit.  So now I have new pants, 4 sizes bigger than I started the year in.  I also went July, August and September, without drinking any sodas and a ton of water.  And I not only fell off the horse, but then the horse got spooked and ran off, so I couldn't even get back on the horse.  Damn horse.  So I am sitting here, drinking a diet coke, wondering if the horse will ever come back.  Horse!  Horse?  I need you!  So, here is my plan.  I am going back to logging everything that I eat/drink/do into the livestrong website.  I am drinking water.  I am buying a treadmill.  I am running.  Or something.  Because really, even the thought of running makes me want to go lay down.  I hate to run.  Truly.

2.  I have made monumental parenting mistakes this year and I hate myself for them.  I am quite certain that fifteen years from now my children will ask me to join them at a family therapy session and they will point to this year and say that it is where everything changed.  Big sigh.  I will have nothing to say other than I know.  And I am sorry.  I continue to be amazed by the fact that parenting has to be the one thing in life that never gets easier.  Like, with everything else, you practice, you spend time working on your technique, you self reflect and evaluate, adjust and it gets easier, better...but not with parenting.  It's just hard.  And when you do start to think that you have a thing or two figured out the other players change the rules.  Jerks.  See, and there I show off my stellar parenting abilities by calling my children jerks.  Sheesh.

3.  I am not a good friend.  Ok.  It's out there.  I am just not.  And this is what happens (for example...)
Friend:  We should go out to dinner.  Grab a drink.  Have coffee.  Something.  Whenever is good for you.
Me:  Um, ok.
And then I avoid.  I don't want to make plans.  I want to stay home.  I want to be with my husband and my children.  I want to make jewelry or play on my computer or watch instant streaming on Netflix.  I want to email or text (because they can be done on my own time, when I want) but I just don't want to make plans.  Period.  I think if I could find a way to become a hermit, I would.  But then I am plagued by this...So and so wants to go out but I keep making excuses not to and if I don't go out with them then I shouldn't go out with anyone.  And so then I avoid everyone.  (Except Chris.  It's kind of hard to avoid the person next to you in bed.)  I am just at the point where I feel like I am not a good contributor to friendships these days.  But this also makes me feel like I have to avoid a lot of things that I like. 

I am the kind of person where my knee jerk reaction to anything is to say no.  Seriously.  It is hard for me to say yes to things.  More often then not, I'll come around and say yes, but I have to come to it on my own.  I don't like being told that I have to do something or continuously being asked to do something.  It makes me dig in my heels and then you'll never get a yes out of me.

I have struggled with writing this because I don't want to come off sounding all woe is me.  Because I'm not.  This is just what is on my mind and I feel like I haven't been very honest about things on my blog in a while.  I am struggling.  I worry.  But really, who doesn't?  And now I think I should insert my favorite quote...

In the end it will all be okay.  If it is not okay, then it is not the end.

So, these are the things that I am going to work on.  Big sigh.  But I am hopeful for this year.  I am hopeful.


sharonp said...

That is my favorite quote too! Did you get it from me? Hope is a wonderful thing that can get you through the worst of times...the fattest of times...and the loneliest of times. You are in my prayers. BTW, you can screw up more than a few times and still raise wonderful children as evidenced by your wonderful husband!

Allyson said...

I LOVE YOU! You so eloquently say what I've needed to say about myself for years. My conclusion, learn to love yourself and don't let people let you feel guilty for not being someone you aren't. Looks like you're making time for those that really matter anyway. Your family needs you more than anyone else. And, BTW, parenting IS the hardest job EVER. Your kids will be fine because you are teaching them how to be real.

(I would volunteer to come teach your girls how to sew, but like you I don't want to commit to something so monumental.)

Elspeth H. said...

I don't have kids, so I don't pretend to be an expert on raising them, but someone who actually does have kids shared something with me once.

One of the most powerful things he can do for his children is apologize to them. To tell them "I'm sorry I raised my voice, got angry, etc. etc. etc.. I love you and I should not have done that. Please forgive me."

I don't know if you've done this already, but maybe you might want to? If you feel like you've been a bad parent, it might help you move past this season and grow close to your kids. And I bet it would bring a lot of healing for your whole family, and I bet you and your kids would feel very loved.

I hope that writing this super difficult post helps you. We all have things we're struggling with, and being silent about them doesn't help anyone.

Angie said...

Sharon - Thank you for being such a great MIL. :) Prayers are always needed.
Allyson - I love you too, Friend! I just might email you a sewing question or two, not a whole day request. :)
Elspeth - After reading your comment, I did apologize tonight for the changes that have been made this year. It made me feel better. I hope they will one day understand the decisions that grown ups make.

Land family said...

For what it's worth (and I know it's probably not, since your happiness with yourself is most important), I think in your "what I wore" pictures that you look fabulous.

Michele said...

Hey, it's okay to be honest with what you're feeling. I think most women I know have some of the same issues. I sometimes break down and cry--you know, the ugly cry, because I feel really overwhelmed with work, friendships, family, parenting, and life in general. It will be okay.