Saturday, April 7, 2012

Anxiety.

I'm pretty sure that I have anxiety issues.  And depression issues.  And some craziness issues.

Maybe the last one is in my head, but the other two definitely aren't. 

Even writing this, typing out the letters, and then the thought of clicking on the orange publish button makes my heart race.  And there is vomit in the back of my throat. 

Too much information?  Probably so.  But that's ok.  We're friends right?

And friends should be honest with each other, so here it goes.

I struggle with this blog.  Everyday, I struggle with it. 

When I started (almost 4 years ago), it acted like a journal - what we were up to, what the kids were doing, cute and funny little stories, snippets, of our life that I wanted to remember.  That I wanted to share.  

I talked about being overwhelmed.  Q was a baby.  Chris and I were both working full time and we were both in grad school.  I was just writing.  Letting it out.

And then little by little more people began reading it and I became more and more self conscious.  I was a blogger that didn't want to blog about anything important to me...for fear that someone would laugh, someone would be bored, someone would think I was a whiny crybaby, someone wouldn't like my life, wouldn't like me.

Most days, I have a hard time liking me.  I have a hard time dealing with choices I've made - my job, my house, my spending habits, my eating habits....

I am shy.  Ten years ago I wouldn't have thought this to be possible.  But here I am, in my mid-thirties and it is true.  I have a horribly hard time meeting new people, making new friends.  I force myself to smile and make polite conversation.  So, throw me into a new job and the first 4 months of the school year were like living a nightmare everyday.  

But I'm at the point where I don't know what to blog about.  I feel like if I just blog about superficial things I am pretending to be someone that I am not. 

There are so many things that I would like to write about but feel that I can't - either because of my job, or because I worry too much about what other people think, or because I would struggle to find the words to accurately put my feelings into writing.

But, here's the thing...I think there are some people out there that might feel the way I do.  I know that I have felt like these bloggers...Erin and Elizabeth  (I looked for the specific post and CANNOT find it, ugh!)...in fact, their posts have made me feel not so alone in my thoughts. 

And the other thing is this...one day, I won't be here anymore (unless someone finds the secret to immortality before that happens) and there is this space, this little piece of the internets, that is mine, where my children will be able to find me, and I want for the me that is in the space to be the me that is in their hearts.  The me that they know.  Not someone who only posts about jewelry or what I wore or handmade shops, but the real me.

And so to help me find the real me, I am turning off the comments.  They really kind of freak me out.  And stress me out.  A lot of times I write and there aren't any comments (it's ok, I rarely comment on the blogs that I read) but then it bothers me that there aren't any comments.  And then I beat myself up about letting something so stupid bother me.  And then I beat myself up some more for being mean to myself in the first place.  (Is that the craziness?  It could be.)

I am also going to write about things that I want to write about and I am going to try (very, very hard) to not imagine how people reading it are feeling. 

I am also going to try to get back in the swing of making time to post more often.  I challenged myself in 2010 to blog everyday, and for the most part, I did.  And during that time not once did I schedule a post ahead of time.  Nowadays?  I feel like that's all I ever do.  Like I am treating this blog more and more as a business, as something I have to do, instead of something I want to do.

And I want to get back to the wanting.  I miss it.