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Saturday, August 13, 2011

Behind the 8 Ball

OMG.  That's how I feel this morning.  Behind the 8 ball.

I have laundry to do.  And the bathrooms need to be cleaned.  I have to clean out my closet today. 

3/4 of it no longer fits.  I'm not exaggerating.  And even though I have faithfully been going to the gym 3 to 4 times (more before I went back to work), logging my food onto livestrong and drinking 12 to 15 glasses of water a day, I have gained 2 more pounds and my clothes still You have no idea how upsetting this is to me.  Seriously.  I feel like a monumental failure in this department. 

And at this point, I might as well sit around eating McDonald's (haven't had it since the end of June) and potato chips and enjoying my life rather than torturing myself by walking into the grocery store where I scream "DANGER! DANGER!" in my head for the 45 minutes that grocery shopping now takes (I used to be able to do a 25 minute super market sweep) while picking out produce and greek yogurt and lean meats. 

I don't feel better about myself.  I feel worse.  Which I thought really wasn't possible.  Last night I ate 3 pieces of veggie pizza in a state of rebellion and then felt guilty.

The gym is still not fun.  Not fun at all.  I dread changing into gym clothes.  I feel stupid in them.  I have to talk myself into it the whole drive there, and then I pray that no one watches me while I am in there.  I can't even write blog posts in my head while I am there anymore.  Its that depressing.

And then there is the whole "priorities" thing and adding one more thing to my plate now that we are back to work and I know exactly how spending an hour and half in the car everyday feels like...  Like, what is a "priority"?  Its been after five by the time we've all gotten home, and then dinner and the kids have showers and soon homework will be added to the mix.  I have chores to do during the week, like laundry.  Chris has choir practice and his own gym time.  I need time to work on shop things (because I love doing that).  And then there's the fact that I have a 5:30am wake up call now, so at least one night a week I have been going to bed before 9pm.  I need sleep.  Badly. 

So, for the past two weeks of being at work, the gym has not been a priority (don't get me wrong, I have still been going) and the forcing makes me hate it even more because then I feel that it is taking time away from something that I would much rather be doing.

Like scrubbing my toilets.  Because that sounds more enjoyable than the dang gym.

And I really just want to cry about it, but I think that might push Chris over the edge.

I didn't mean for this to become some kind of crazy rant.  We have no coffee in the house this morning (because I have to go grocery shopping and I hate going there now too) and I am blaming this post on the lack of caffeine.  


Kristen @ Hope Abound said...

Oh sweet girl! I've been in your shoes. It seems like you get to a point where simple and easy has become so far out of reach that you'll never return there...but you will.
Don't beat your self down...while your 2 pounds might be muscle that you've earned from workouts. You'll always gain a few before losing. Trust me.
And when it comes to the grocery store, I too am learning to despise the place. I'm not sure if it's the shopping part or the people that work there that bring me such hatred for the thought of "grocery Shopping." A strict list of items helps me to breeze through. Just a thought.
And in those moments when you find yourself feeling so overwhelmed at the days end and the gym has yet to fit it's way in, slip on your shoes and go for a walk. Give yourself 5 minutes to see if you're up for it. If not, head back home. I usually learn that after those first 5, I'm up for another 30 or 40. I walk back through the door with a clearer mind and heart.

I know that each of us has our own issues and all and that no two are exactly alike, but I always feel like advice and be taken in many different ways. I pray that I've managed to give you a slight sliver of hope in your time dismay. I'll be praying for relief for your worn out self. Take care!!

Angie said...

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. :) I really do appreciate it.

caz said...

I feel like I should say something, but I just don't know what to say...
I second the first comment you got there..
I feel like if the gym is putting that much pressure on you and making you hate it and everything else, then maybe give yourself permission to take a break, just set yourself a time limit before heading back to try again..??
I hope life settles back into "manageable" soon!

KBBean said...

These posts from you (where you are struggling a bit) are always interesting to me. Not b/c I'm a masochist but because in my mind, you are super mom! As I became a working mother and experienced all the exhaustion, guilt, and fulfilment that comes with it, I would think, "How in the crap does Angie do it all?" Your house is always clean, you spend time with your children & husband, run a side business, write a blog regularly, are an amazing teacher, and always seem to be organized. I struggle to accomplish one of those things at a time, and I only have one kid. And until this year, I only worked part-time.
Even when things falter here or there, please know you are doing an amazing and inspiring job at balancing it all. And nobody expects you to be perfect (besides you, anyway)!