Thursday, September 23, 2010

I Feel Like a Failure

If you have joined me looking for a brief little glimpse into my crazy life, or some obnoxiously funny post about my children or my dog, or perhaps just some pics of some new jewelry pieces, this is clearly not the post for you.  In fact, you should really just x out and call it a night.  I am having a pity party.  Cause sometimes that just has to happen.  And this is kind of like a novella...it may take more than just a few minutes, and for that I am going to apologize up front.

Right now, at this point in my life, I feel like a failure.  I will share with you my list of current failings.  I have used logic and reason and know that in the grand scheme of things I am not a failure, but they are my feelings and don't really need justification...nor am I looking for reassurances because no matter how many of them I get (and please don't feel like you have to give them...seriously), I just feel the way I feel.  Ultimately, they are all petty little things and there are many (MANY) people out there with bigger, more serious problems....but its my blog and if you are reading it is because you like me (or at least I hope you like me) and you already understand that I understand that.  ...the bigger more serious problems bit anyway. 

1.  Right now, I feel that I am failing as a mother.  Last night, as we were going to bed, Ike ran into Chan's room (because she left the door open...ugh.) and there were multiple wet towels left on the floor...in the room and in her walk-in closet.  I wanted to wake her up and take it out on her hiney.  But I talked myself off the ledge (that was good of me, wasn't it???) and went to bed on the verge of tears because I am failing.  In my head, I understand that the towels are a small thing, but to me, the towels symbolize so much more.  They don't listen to me.  I feel like my feelings are inconsequential to them.  I feel like they don't respect me or follow directions...I've asked nicely and politely, I've told them, I've demanded, I've taken things away, I've rewarded them for the times that they do as they are asked...but nothing sticks.  And this is just one of the many issues that I am having with them right now.

2.  Right now, I feel that I am failing as a wife.  I don't feel like I am present in much of my life.  Our household is not split 50/50.  Its really more like 80/20.  With the 80 being Chris.  He cooks, he does the vast majority of the cleaning, before this summer and my disastrous hedge trimming I had never worked in the yard at this house, he packs lunches, does homework with the kids, bathes Q and gets everyone to and from school.  In the past two weeks, he has done the laundry and I didn't stop him.  I have guilt.  Massive amounts of guilt. I then I catch myself feeling bad about myself (having a little pity party in my mind) and thinking that I should just let him.  Feeling that maybe I am just not needed very much.

3.  Right now, I feel like a failure because I have a tendency to say that I am going to do something and then don't follow through.  Like going to the gym...for example.  And I need to go to the dentist.  And the gynecologist.  I have let those things slide past me for far too long.  I need to take better care of myself and maybe not drink as many diet cokes as I do.  I try to justify it by saying that there is water in diet cokes.  I should also maybe cut out my pop tarts for breakfast addiction.

4.  Right now, I feel that I am failing with my jewelry.  I love making jewelry.  Seriously.  I think about it throughout the day...what I am going to try next...what I want to make for myself....what I want to put in the shop.  But my sales are down.  And I don't really know what to try at this point.  I am trying to be patient, but some days, patience just isn't enough and I really need a game plan.  Or at least a business plan.  This pains Chris.

5.  Right now, I feel that I am failing as a blogger.  Sometimes, I feel like I spend a ridiculous amount of time on the computer with nothing to show for it.  In January, I decided to buckle down and post everyday and for the most part, I hold myself accountable to that.  I have taken a day off here and there, but I wanted to push myself to write something everyday.  For me.  For my children.  As a record of my life.  But lately, I feel like I don't have anything worthwhile to contribute to the blog world.  I mean really, how many times do you want to read about my children and their stinkin' towels or my dog pooping in the house?  I have considered giving up blogging for the new year, but I really enjoy it, and besides that, I don't know if I could.  But I also didn't know if I could blog everyday either and I managed that one.l;.....

6.  And speaking of my dog, right now, I feel that I am failing as a pet owner.  Poor Ike.  He is crated during the day (to keep him safe...God only knows what he could get into during the day and to protect our house...God only knows what he could get into during the day!) and then is wild at night.  He bites the children for attention...he thinks of them as other puppies.  And there are only so many directions that I can be pulled in in one evening and because he bites them, he really doesn't get the play time with the girls as I thought that he would have.

7.  Right now, I feel that I am failing as a friend.  I have very few close friends...but I am horrible about calling, and even more horrible about making plans with them.  Especially when I feel like this.  And then I force myself, and suffer from immense guilt because I have left Chris (remember the 80/20?) with the kids.  There are people that I wish that I could develop better friendships with, but I can't commit myself to the idea of the time and effort that it takes to grow a friendship.  And then I feel lousy.  So I try not to meet new people.

8.  Right now, I feel like I am failing as a member of my congregation.  Have you ever looked back on something and realized that your moment of Camelot had come and gone?  Last summer was my Camelot...and I didn't know it.  But now, looking back, I know that I will never have a summer like that one.  I went to prayer group.  A lot.  I prayed with other women and then we had fellowship lunches together.  I felt connected.  We had a book club at church and I loved it.  Sometimes we even had book club AND prayer group together and I loved those days.  I went to UMW meetings.  This summer?  Not a single prayer group meeting...or book club...and its been almost a year since I've gone to a UMW meeting.  I feel bogged down when I volunteer for things because of my guilt associated with #'s 1, 2, 6 and 7.  And then I feel bad if I don't do something because that means that someone else has to do it and we are a small church, which means that there are plenty of jobs already for everyone else.

9.  Right now, I feel like I am failing as a member of the education field.  I have so many plans and dreams for my media center, but with the way the testing atmosphere is, it is sometimes hard to get people on board.  My 2nd year of teaching was another period of Camelot that I wasn't aware of until it was over.  I loved my coworkers and my administration and my subject areas and most of all, my students.  Towards the end of my time in the classroom, I really thought that some of the things that I loved most about my 2nd year would return and that I would once again feel that passion.  But now I am three years into it and all I can think about is how I would love to be able to stay home so that the tables could be 20/80 and my guilt would be relieved from items #1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7 and 8.  But, financially, I can't stay home.  And I have 3 degrees...and the student loans to show for them... and then I would have guilt about that.

10.  Right now, I feel like I am failing as a daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc.  I don't call my grandmother nearly as often as I should.  I come from a very tight knit family.  And there are LOTS of us.  19 grandchildren, to be exact.  One of my cousins is getting married in June...on a cruise...for 5 days...to Grand Cayman Island.  I hate not being able to go, but I have a whole list of reasons why we can't.  And yet I still feel such guilt.  I love this girl and I want to be there.  Big sigh.  But I can't.  My grandmother's 80th birthday is next month.  I can't be there for that either.  And the guilt....ohhhhhhh the guilt.

So, there you have it.  My 10 failings in life right now.  I don't know yet if I feel better or worse now that I have taken the time to enumerate them.  I'll know the answer to this when I lay down in bed tonight.  But thanks for listening.  

1 comment:

Allyson said...

Hang in there, it will get better. Marriage isn't always 50/50, as a matter of fact it hardly ever is. One day it will be you that will be the 80 because Chris will be going through and funk.

The kids won't ever seem to listen either. I have a 12 year-old and we have had the same issues for years. There are some things that have started to get better as he gets older, but for the most part, I still have to remind him to flush, hang up towels and keep his stuff in his room...

As for Etsy...it's hard to sell anything much on Etsy because you are competing with EVERYBODY! It's hard to set your shop apart unless you have hours to spend promoting, and we know you can't do that when you have a husband, three children, a dog AND a full-time job!